I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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