thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
false alarm. still invincible.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
