At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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