I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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