I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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