Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
