I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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