He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
