Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
When are your genitals available?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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