can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
