Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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