it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
