Swine flu. Run for my life!
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
