it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
