this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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