I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
