You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
