she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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