Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
