Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
