why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
