I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
