and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
