Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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