worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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