i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
