but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
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There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
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I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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