it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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