just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
