and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
she peed on how many people?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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