Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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