i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
