I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Randomize
