just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Randomize
