i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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