I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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