i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Randomize
