I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
