tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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