i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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