Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
