the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
