this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
