I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
