So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think my fart just growled at me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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