the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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