nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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