I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
