she looked like the before picture.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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