i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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