She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Gay?
German.
Pity.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
