that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
