i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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