After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
