The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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