It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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