I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
