Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
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