I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
