I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
