I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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