I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
