Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He felt like a one man threesome
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
