barbara walters just said penis...
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
