3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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