it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Randomize
